The first month of 2011

What a whirlwind. The new year hit and almost exactly two weeks in, everything I knew as normal in life changed. I won't go into details, but one thing is for certain: 2011 is going to be like no other year I ever experienced.

I have mixed feelings about that. I am not sure whether I want to laugh or cry. I've done a little of both (actually a lot of both; thank you friends for the laughter).

But I realize had certain events not occurred, my life would not have changed or be changing. I would continue to live at home. I would continue to look on at others and yearn for what they have. I would continue to feel like an outcast, dependent and scared.

I realize how much I needed change, even though it meant letting go (continuing to let go) of the one thing I loved (still love) and cared (still care) the most about in this world. It means going through an excruciating feeling. It means facing that feeling and hoping for the best regardless.

It also means being confident I can make it through the day alone (in a physical human sense). I can make it, because I do not have to be afraid. It is hard to express exactly how I am feeling. But for a long time, I have been dependent almost entirely on others for happiness, which put stress not only on them but for me as well.

I have done and said a lot things I am not proud of all my life. I have acted out in ways I am not proud of, and in the same breath, I realize I have the power (through Christ) to change myself into the woman I am supposed to be.

When specific events occurred earlier this year, it was like a kick in the pants. I was going to have to face life head on and start living, pursuing my dreams instead of only encouraging others to pursue theirs and then watching them actually do it.

I am excited for my friends who are entering brave new chapters of their lives and even more excited to start a new chapter of my own -- however scary that may seem.