Baffled

I just looked down, and it's almost November. I shuffled through some old photos, and it's baffling to me how much I have done in the past year. My life looks completely different than I ever imagined, and I am still trying to figure out exactly what I am doing. The great thing is that I've grown a lot as a person. I know better how to prioritize my time and step back to evaluate situations to make decisions. I also have been able to handle things better when things don't necessarily go my way. It has been a good learning process. It really is baffling though, thinking about how the first part of my year just sucked. It was hands-down the hardest time period I've ever gone through. Then, I took care of a cat. I house-sitted. I went to visit friends in Denver in March. Quit my job in May/June. Found a place to live in June. Went to Utah. Went to two great weddings. Saw a friend graduate college after a long, bumpy road getting there. Went to the Great Smoky Mountains. Moved to an entirely different state. Started cooking. Took up crocheting. Climbed a mountain. Got three jobs. Volunteer. I'm so baffled though. It's crazy how you think life is going one way, but does a complete 180 on you the next. How did I get here again? haha.

G.C. moments

a) Ames looks like Sloth.
b) Kristin seriously kills a lot of fish. She's trying to keep one alive right now. She says, "It looks like it has a rock stuck inside of his head. It's dead. I'm sad. We need a burial." Dave: "We need to get some more hardy fish." Kris: "Yeah, like a goldfish."
c) You better take care of those pigs.
d) Esther doesn't live here anymore.
e) my guacamole is still being eaten
f) Dave doesn't know what shucking corn is. That's all.

Guacamole

Green. When I look at guacamole, I have no desire to eat it. But then, when I eat it, it's delicious. Made some homemade today for a potluck.

Here is what I did:
3 avacados, pitted and peeled
2 roma tomatoes
Some onion (not the whole thing)
some cilantro leaves (about a handful or so)
salt and pepper
(I winged it.)

Returned to Hannibal

Rode by Lover's Leap.
Saw that familiar booth.
Drove through Hannibal streets.
A memory almost moot.

Drank homemade root beer.
Let a tear go.
Saw the deserted streets,
that were full long ago.

Slipped in revelation.
Goodbye, dear friend.
I truly loved you,
But your laughter dims.

In that cave, darkness enveloped,
But blindness did not win.
We came out half-way developed,
Room for more work, then.

Meet me in Hannibal,
after you take your time.
Let's meet in Hannibal,
to say one more goodbye.

Thought: 5-26-11

I like driving the truck. But the downside is when I wave at Jeeps going by, they look at me like I'm insane.

Thoughts: 5-18-11

5-18-11 (Most of these are from Rotary, which was particularly hilarious today.)
- African farm. E-I-E-I-OOOO.
- Let's go on a safari.
- Men. All they do is jump.
- "The man's stature is based on the number of wives and the number of cattle he has. Wives and cattle." - presenter "I'd be a large cattle farmer." - guest
- "From what I could tell, the men didn't do much." "Cow dung was everywhere." (Also used to make homes.)
- We just sat there waiting for them to do it. But the guide said they must be at the end of the honeymoon. (...lions...)
- "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined." - Henry David Thoreau
"Imagine a big life, man!" - Cindy

Thoughts and quotes

5-15-11
- "Silent but violent." - Steph
"Do you mean silent but deadly?" - Megan
"There's some that can be violent and slap you in the face." - Liz
- "This mortal form has grown weak. I need sustenance." -Thor
- So badly want to quote Scott, but won't because I promised I wouldn't. Thor.
- Bridesmaids. Hilarious. Must see. Must buy when it comes out on video.
- Oh yeah. And funny thing that happened. Got into the car with Scott and Terri when I looked up and it appeared a guy was charging us. Terri saw my face and was afraid to look. Scott started cracking up. And I realized soon after the man was merely chasing a cup to throw it away. But it really looked like he was coming straight for us. He looked crazy.
- Also...just heard the funniest thing about Bill Murray. Allegedly, he went up behind a guy on the subway, putting his hands over his eyes. When the guy turned around he saw Bill Murray. Bill Murray then said "No one will ever believe you." And walked away. I really hope this story is true. And...for some reason I have a hankering to watch "Stripes" now. lol
- WILSON!!!!!!!!

New artist: Lelia Broussard

Acknowledgements

I was acknowledged in a book for editing, which is pretty cool. Also, this is written by Will Culp, who was one of my fantastic columnists who wrote for the Mahomet Citizen.

Phlem...what?

Learned a few things about myself today. And I think what I learned is that I am needy. Good grief. Hahaha.

"Phlegmatic needs peace and relaxation, harmony, respect, cooperation, and overt appreciation. Allow her some down time to relax and recoup her energy, especially after a hectic social or work schedule. Do not nag or belittle her, or her confidence will be eroded and she will withdraw. You can use old fashioned flattery (words of appreciation) with her, and she will flower. Build her up with praise for her achievements. Express openly your appreciation for her cooperation and sensitivity to others needs. Encourage her to express her own feelings and thoughts or she may never tell you! Ask what movie she wants to see or book to read or place to eat knowing that she wants to go along with whatever you want. Ideally you want her to become comfortable disclosing her deep desires. A phlegmatic will say I don't care, or Whatever you want to do, but she does care, deep inside. Give opportunities for her to take the lead without pressuring or nagging. Do not nag, though you may be tempted (it will only discourage her and make her withdraw). Do not belittle her or use sarcasm. Don't put pressure on her to call all the shots or make decisions on the spot. Don't expect huge displays of enthusiasm. Don't allow her to take all the blame (she will do so, to preserve peace)."

It goes on to explain that I should not: "give into grumpy moods or the need to 'veg' after work."

All very interesting. But very exhausting to think about. :)

More thoughts and such

5-13-11
- Don't make me hit you with my peanut butter spoon. ... Really don't. I want to eat my peanut butter.

- OH MY GOSH. Baby got hit in the head with a softball. Hopefully they took her to the hospital. That ice pack ... not going to cut it.

- 18 more days. Holy moly. :)

Thoughts and such

5-12-11
A man called today and said that his son was in a hot dog eating contest at the local grocery store, and that he was interviewed by the Citizen. The woman apparently had long, black hair and was 5'4" or 5'5", and claimed to be with the Citizen. Who is this person? I DON'T KNOW. WEIRD.
I didn't even know there was a hot dog eating contest at the grocery store over the weekend. But I did talk to my correspondent's mom, and she said that he took pictures. But he's a boy and tall with short short hair. And she is tall, too, with short, curly blonde-brown hair. LOL. Mysteries of a day covering small town news.

C

Just ... There are no words.

From a dear friend, who gave me a railroad nail:
"I tend to get wordy and sappy sometimes, so I'm going to try not to do that, but two things:1) Before you wrote the column about what the Citizen offered, someone said to me that they received the Citizen and the Gazette. They were cutting back financially, and had thought about ending both subscriptions. She said that they didn't get anything except coupons from the Gazette, but that they were going to keep the Citizen subscription because they loved the local stories, the content, and because she felt like you were doing a good job with the paper.
"Also, (this is my sappy part), the nail had nothing to do with the paper. I had wanted to get you a whole piece of railroad, but they are a little heavy. The nail is a reminder of how strong I think you are. That it takes a lot of strength to make changes. That I'm not just proud to be a part of this paper (because of what you have done), but also proud of you. And also, without being really wordy, I want to thank you for being my railroad track. For carrying my writing ambitions to the point where I have to confidence to grow with them. I can say thank you a million times, but that still doesn't cover my sentiment."

Be the track, not the train.

That just humbles me beyond words. I have good people in my life and cannot explain how that makes me feel.

Some quotes and thoughts and such

5-11-11
Beautiful day at Lake of the Woods. I grabbed some Subway and headed over to the park to eat. As soon as I entered, I saw it was busy day there. There were two runners, a cyclist, golfers, people fishing all around the lake and warblers chirping from their perches in the trees.

Throughout the 30 minutes I was there, I entertained myself by watching two guys get their boat in the water. This one guy accidentally threw something in the water. The two of them stopped. Looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and that was that. They didn't pull whatever it was out. It didn't seem like they knew what they were doing, but they were trying, so I guess that's all that mattered. I'm actually not sure what they were doing. They were going around the edge of the lake with a net, collecting something. Not sure what. Maybe frogs?

Aside from that, it was peaceful. The lake was calm -- aside from the motor noise of the boat. It brought me back to the days when there was a beach there. Christine and I went there a couple of times just to hang out and do stuff outside. One time we inflated an inner-tube, stuffed it in my old '89 Honda, and took it to the lake. It was a little ridiculous since the tube had to be stuffed in and there was no visibility through the back window. But those were the days. I wish the beach was still there. It was nice to visit.

The weather is great outside. I think I can get used to it. It is hot and humid...and feels like summer already, but I'm starting to realize I like it like that. Even if my hair doesn't. I walked into our air conditioned office, and I just felt like I wanted the fresh air again. It seems like the past few years, I forgot, or something, how much I liked being outside. It seems like I forgot a lot of things. Maybe it was just because it was winter.

I also forgot how much I liked to eat outside. I forgot how much I liked being by the lake relaxing. I don't think I've done it for years. But I've done it a lot already this year. How strange. It seems I lost myself for a while. A lot of people have told me recently that I all of a sudden seem like my old self again...like I did when I was in college. Exploring. Hanging out outside. Planning activities. Doing activities. I feel as though I truly did lose myself. I was immobile for a while...doing nothing. I'm not sure why. But I know no one is to blame but myself. It's nice, though, to get myself back a little bit. It's nice to know that after a long, cold winter, there is a spring.

Just some fun quotes and thoughts:
Mom: "I need you for the toilet."
Dad: "That's all I'm good for."

Me: "I need to get rid of half my stuff, like poopy duck."
Mom: "Can you part with poopy duck."
Me: "I don't know. It will be hard."
Mom: "I can see how it would be hard."
Later...
Me: "Dad, should I get rid of poopy duck?"
Dad: "Out of all of your stuff, poopy duck is what you're debating?"
Me: "Yes."

"I got into trouble sometimes, but I'm so glad I did." Jillian

"As the Office Coordinator, I believe it would be a good practice if we had
a Disaster Drill to become familiar with what exactly we would do, and how
long it would take us to do it.
Therefore, before the end of this week when all of us are here, I will
suddenly scream "DISASTER DRILL"! At that time, all employees of the
Citizen and Press will drop whatever they are doing and
report immediately to the "Reporters Room". If you do not know the
location of the "Reporters Room", yell "I don't know where to go"! One of
the other employees will point the way. Once in the "Reporters Room", we
will all try to get under the desk. This may be awkward at first, but I am
sure we can all do it in a mannerly way. Before leaving individual
offices, please make sure your "Out of the Office" email is current with
the notation "Actually, I am in the office, but we are in the midst of a
DISASTER DRILL. Please leave a message".
Some of you may make a mockery of this DISASTER DRILL. However, I will be
recording DISASTER DRILL times and reporting them back to the main
headquarters.
Thank you all for your cooperation." - Jillian

"We are not like jellyfish--it's not like when you poke us, we always do the same thing." - Daniel Weissman, neuroscientist in charge of multitasking experiment

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life." -Anne Morriss, Starbucks customer, "The Way I See It" #76

"You have to be willing to stretch your comfort zone. You have to do things other people won't, so you'll have things other people don't." -Arel Moodie, Extreme Entrepreneurship Tour

"For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather of power, love and self-control." - 2 Timothy 1:7

Pieces of Freedom: Rock 'n' roll's intended manifesto

“Grow up to be whatever you want to be”
Sure, it sounds nice, but what parents, teachers, authority and society lack to mention are the conditions: “Grow up to be whatever you want to be ... as long as it complies with the rules we (society) warrant, so we can ensure order and power remain in our favor.”

Admittedly, society probably does not conspire methodically against its youth, however the conditions exist subconsciously. Young adults are not considered children, yet are debarred from “growing up." They are handicapped from contributing their beliefs to society, because society neither trusts the shift in power of young people’s voices nor care that young people feel trapped in an inferior position under the constraints of society. Young adults are cemented where society wants to keep them. Naturally, young adults react once they realize their existence is being undermined, and just as naturally, "authority" feels threatened and reacts back.

This division between the generations transcends time. The youth of the past, present and future all experienced it and are connected because of it. For the past 50 years, America’s young people have cultivated new beginnings, changing the course of societal norms. Each decade owns its own story, and each decade cries out to the future youth of America, and one way they did that was through rock 'n' roll.

Rock ‘n’ roll, man, rock ‘n’ roll
Dated back to the 1950s, rock ‘n’ roll provided an outlet for young adults to make their voice heard. In November 1955, Little Richard introduced his legendary "Tutti-Frutti" and set the pace for the rock world. Not only did it set the pace, it taught the rock ‘n’ roll world how to scream.

"The scream" is about making the “private public." The scream is “an ecstatic moment in which the shackles of everyday life are shattered and an individual human voice (heart, soul) achieves and celebrates freedom.../of unrestrained sexuality, spirituality and musicality”1. Screaming out, crying out was to find a sense of being in a senseless world. And it was that “scream” that drew in people.

Rock ‘n’ roll provided young people a chance to scream, to step out of the boundaries limited by society and opened them to realities society ignored. The ideology of rock ‘n’ roll was about believing in something and getting creative about it, which spoke to the hearts of America’s youth. Rock ‘n’ roll could be anything young people made of it. It was a personal endeavor, with personal meaning. Its energy provided a center for political, cultural and social change, and rock ‘n’ roll, at least for the youth of the early decades, was about self-existence. About their voice.

But immediately rock ‘n’ roll became a threat to “authority.”

In the 1950s, “so-called riots” had to be subdued. These “riots” were described as “kids dancing in the aisles at theaters; jiving in their seats; and stomping, clapping, and yelling a lot — having a good time”2. These concerts were policed, and kids who showed any emotion were reprimanded and forced to be imperturbable. This oppression boiled inside the youth of the 1950s, and so began a fire that descended through the decades.

In the words of Billy Joel: “We didn’t start the fire. It was always burning”
Adults and authority figures feared rock and roll’s impact on young people. Rock ‘n’ roll represented a power shift. Young people reigned over rock, because it was often sung, played and written only by young people3.

Young people, through music, were shaping, changing and molding the adult world to accommodate their lifestyles, desires and experiences. This left “authority” feeling paralyzed and trapped, so they retaliated.

Adults claimed rock impelled teenagers to “rise up and defy their elders, to flaunt their morality, to mock their ideals, to break away from adult control, to reject the adult world”4.

With adults voicing their opposition against rock, youth rebelled. But it seems that perhaps they were not “rejecting” the values of the adult world, they only were trying to incorporate their own ideas into society. But the constant tug of war caused animosity to surge. Adults viewed youth as defiant; and teens and young adults saw their ideas as antiquated.

Neither could “grow up” to be what they wanted to be.

For young adults, though, rock ‘n’ roll became their escape and allowed them to lean on each other for support. Rock was an “expression of a generation consciousness.../[an] experience of community and togetherness, wrenching teenagers out of their isolation in the family, school, at work, or in the universities and reflecting their own frustrations of their whole generation”5.

The individual interpretations derived from rock ‘n’ roll songs gave rise to a youth culture completely dissevered from the adult world and ultimately from society as well. Young people were being united by the melodies calling out for freedom; they simultaneously moved further away from an ideal co-existence with adults. Their suppressed emotions were starting to surface, and the youth felt ready to fight for a place in the world.

Hollywood’s projections
Young people’s rebellion created a state of instability and gave rise to questions like, “where and how do we go from here.” The media world, or probably more accurately Hollywood, was a separate predator from “authority” altogether.

Rock ‘n’ roll followers were “totally manipulated by an all-embracing ideology of consumption;” it was no longer clear whether they actually believed in the 'ideological meanings rock stood for or whether they had become 'spiritually enslaved to commerce'"6. Young people got caught up in the ideals the media presented and regurgitated the image media illustrated. The ideas presented seemed exciting. It seemed like the youth’s ideas were being voiced, but in reality the ideas young people had were only the ideas projected on them by the media. Young people were still being enslaved, but this time the extent of manipulation was seemingly concealed.

Young people were so determined not to be exploited that they made themselves vulnerable to be exploited. The media fostered young people’s uncertainties, so they could profit from the ignorant trust of America’s young people. In the movie "Blackboard Jungle," the opening song was "Rock Around the Clock."

Like said before, each young person personalized rock and roll songs, giving it his or her own meaning. However, once rock and roll songs were linked with a mass-marketed image, that image seemed to automatically become what the song meant. Consequently, the image associated with the song "Rock Around the Clock," were students behind a playground fence at a school. The playground fence suggested the kids were constricted by school rules and locked in by a “jail cell”7. This concept remained instilled for the rest of the movie where the kids set forth on renegade acts against authority, including smashing jazz records brought in by their teacher. The media marketed rock ‘n’ roll and defined what rock ‘n’ roll represented for both the youth and adult worlds.

Youth found these propaganda-type movies to be encouraging. They wanted to break out of their “jail cells,” too. But at the same time, the images secured the adults’ perception that rock ‘n’ roll was synonymous with juvenile delinquency. Hollywood used the mind-frame of young people as to manipulate them and fueled adults’ perhaps skewed perceptions. Alas, the media’s sole purpose was to make profits, but at the same time the images presented by the media encouraged young insurgents to continue their crusade against the norms, and in some cases, that meant rebelling disrespectfully.

Extreme rock ‘n’ roll
Rock ‘n’ roll became what authorities feared: inspiring acts of violent protest.

While authorities wrongly accused rock ‘n’ roll of being the cause of violence, the youth fulfilled the expectations. Their outcries became outcries against submission and oppression, while simultaneously submitting to a new jail cell. This jail was barred by hate, dividing the generations, and killing what rock ‘n’ roll originally strived to do. What once was a pursuit for freedom became a pursuit for destruction.

Times were moving forward, Vietnam and criticism of capitalism were under fire. People were changing. Experience and situations fueled young people to speak out ... and they finally felt like they were in the position to do so. A revolution was taking place. What once seemed impossible was happening. Young people were “celebrating their own impossibility in rock”8. Meaning their lives began to mean something through rock and roll, their voices began to be heard through rock and roll. Rock ‘n’ roll evolved into an ideology, all in itself. It was about “the control gained by taking risks of losing control” and people began to find their identity by refusing the identities society left for them9.

Young people were beginning to be brave in the position they held. And, even then, young people credited their bravery to rock.

In 1967, The Rolling Stones were welcomed into San Francisco by an elaborate manifesto established by college students professing their loyalty to rock music and what they thought rock music was striving for:
“Greetings and welcome Rolling Stones, our comrades in the desperate battle against the maniacs who hold power. The revolutionary youth of the world hears your music and is inspired to even more deadly acts. We fight in the guerilla bands against the invading imperialists in Asia and South America, we riot at the rock ‘n’ roll concerts everywhere...
They call us dropouts and delinquents and draft-dodgers and punks and hopheads and heap tons of shit on our heads. In Viet Nam they drop bombs on us and in America they try to make us make war on our own comrades but the bastards hear us playing you on our little transistor radios and know that they will not escape the blood and fire of the anarchist revolution.

We will play your music in rock ‘n’ roll marching bands as we tear down the jails and free the prisoners, as we tear down the State schools and free the students, as we tear down the military bases and arm the poor ... and create a new society from the ashes of our fires.

Comrades, you will return to this country when it is free from the tyranny of the State and you will play your splendid music in factories run by the workers, in the domes of emptied city halls, on the rubbles of police stations, under the hanging corpses of priests, under a million red flags waving over a million anarchist communities...ROLLING STONES – THE YOUTH OF CALIFORNIA HEARS YOUR MESSAGE! LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!!! 10”

Revolution, indeed. The search for peace was over. What once was rebelling against the onslaught of societal norms, became rebelling against the nation. Young people no longer stood for the arrogance their country seemed to convey. Young people were calling for action. And, rock led the way. Rock ‘n’ roll gave young people something to free themselves and satisfy their liberal desires. The youth of America were replying to the outcries of their hearts and using music as a tool for aggressive communication.

Each decade created another layer of rock ‘n’ roll, defining rock ‘n’ roll as a menace to society. Each decade defined rock ‘n’ roll so they could distinguish the classes of society. Rioting progressively took on a new criterion as each decade added the next layer to rock ‘n’ roll. Young people and adults both wanted freedom. But, their different methods of getting to that point caused them to move further from their freedom in a continuous cycle of fighting, rather than closer to acceptance. Some say the power to change society was granted to one “particular generation” of youth, referring specifically to the 60's and 70's 11. This notion cannot be entirely true, though. The youth of the past molded a future identity, and coincidentally, the present day youth is the result.
Classrooms, books, the ever-present media, knowledge, etc. become the outlet for contemporary young people. Every youth generation echoes a part of the youth generations past. The generation of today, still feels the oppression. However, what separates the generation of today is the attitude adjustment. It is not apathy, but empathy. Even though many may disagree, today’s youth feel compelled to unite, rather than disunite. They search for understanding and compromise.

But in the end … it’s still just rock ‘n’ roll to me.


Sources:
Epstein, Jonathon S., ed. Adolescents And Their Music: If it’s too loud, you’re too old. New York & London: Garland, 1994. Extracted from article: Grossberg, Lawrence. “The Political Stature of Youth and Youth Culture”

Martin, Linda and Segrave, Kerry. Anti-Rock: The Opposition to Rock ‘n’ Roll. Hamden: Archon, 1988.

Wicke, Peter. Rock Music: Culture, aesthetics and sociology. New York: Cambridge, 1990.



Williams, Paul. Rock and Roll: The Best 100 Singles. New York: Caroll &Graf, 1993.

In the words of Barney Stinson: What Up?

Thoughts 4-23-11:
- Jessica Rabbit. Yes, Jessica, she's married to a Rabbit. You don't have to understand it.
- Cat. You be crazy. Why you staring at the curtain? Haha. You got stuck to it. That's what you get for attacking it.
- Found a CD labeled "Crystal," put it in the CD player and it's a whole series of songs about driving. "Joy Ride" "Cars" "Downeaster Alexa" etc. etc. The only songs that might not really fit were "Johnny B. Goode" by Chuck Berry and "Walking in Memphis." But I mean...it's Johnny B. Good and Walking in Memphis. Classic. A younger version of me, must have made this for future me, which is now present me, and it's perfect while driving in the new car.
- Jeez Jeep. Why is the floor so wet? Blowing fan on it now. Dab. Dab. Dab. I think I'm going to vacuum this now.
- Where are the planter rocks?
- There, I planted Dill. When it sprouts, I will have the best seasoned mashed potatoes ever.
- What did I get myself into?
- I don't need easy. I just need possible.
- Sad Bulls. :-(

4-10-11 Thoughts

I don't have many thoughts from the weekend, but this made me laugh.

"I like to go in diagonals." - Nate on crossing the street
"I'm a law-abiding citizen." - Ashley on crossing the street at the walkway

I guess they balance. lol.

Oh! And nothing beats raspberry frozen yogurt with fruit! Delicious.

Thoughts for the day: 3-26-11

So these are probably more like thoughts for the week, but here goes it.

- Inconceivable! (at work)
- "These are really, really pretty. I've never gotten anything like this." (at work)
- I should never karaoke again. It's bad. Really bad, and I'm not talking about my singing. (at bar)
- I was not the stink! She was! (at gym)
- Laughing uncontrollably because someone farted at the theater with Soutney and Jessica just makes us embarrassed and feel like we're 5. But it makes for a great memory!
- The Adjustment Bureau was good!
- I should just focus on driving, rather than focus on talking about the number of vehicles I've hit. When I talk about the number of vehicles I've hit or the damage I've done to my own car, I end up rear-ending more cars. Go figure.
- "BUNNY!! AHH!"
- "I didn't know what was happening. I just held on and waited for impact!"
- That is one huge burrito.

Lucy

Living out on my own for a little bit has made me realize that if I was married to Ricky Ricardo, he'd be shouting "Lucy!" in that Spanish accent of his all the time.

Here are some thoughts of the day (3-12-11):
- Fabric softener and laundry detergent are not the same thing.
- Whoops...I hope that's not broken. Better go see.
- Phew. It's not broken.
- My toast flies. Awesome.
- I'm pretty sure I just ruined a wooden floor. I shouldn't be allowed to water plants.
- "I'm going to go farm my milk."
- Happy Birthday Stephanie! Funny Steph quote: "I'll take this one since I coughed on it."
- Funny Jessica quote: "Did you get all the corners down?" pointing to a circular cookie cake.
- I ate tilapia. And, I liked it. Happy Red Lobster Day!
- The wait is an hour and a half? Solution: Shopping.
- I don't think I really got these clothes clean.
- Did I get the mail?
- Did I feed the cat?
- I hope I'm vacuuming right.
- Liz gets really funny if you talk about her not being able to get out of the parking lot at Kohls. bahahahaha!
- "Soutney"
- Nemo be sweet.



- I can cook better than I can bake.




Happy Saturday!

Thoughts for the day 3-10-11

Thoughts that crossed my mind throughout the day (3-10-11):
- "Are you Walgreens?" - Me to a clerk at Walgreens
- He's not going to do anything to me. He's not going to do anything to me. Walk fast. Get keys. Lock door.
- Holy ... It's going to bite my face off.
- Must mail. Need box.
- Should I mail it?
- Are they going to spoil.
- Wow. Those are expensive cookies.
- Must . Eat . Chocolate.
- Ahhhh! Brown!
- I really just want to sleep.
- I really just want to watch 127 Hours.
- "Love and Other Drugs" is definitely a must see. If only for one line.
- Poor guy.
- Wow. He just showed me his stomach.
- PAMPERS!! Perfect!
- "He's going to think it's Pampers." - lady at post office. 'Yep.' - me
- 'Short bus' is probably not a very nice thing to say.
- Cool. Light up pen.
- I need to remove my nail polish. I need to stop biting my nails.
- Forum. Looming forum.
- Workout.
- Belly fat.

Thoughts for the Day 3-3-11

Thoughts in photo form:

New camera...photo experiments

Quote from How I Met Your Mother

Marshall: "Hey, baby? Would you be the big spoon for a while?"
Lily: "Sure, baby."

Let's brighten this place up

So there have been some humorous things that happened in my life recently. But I will tell just three short-ish stories:
Story 1:
Rachel and I ventured north last weekend, which would be a very normal thing if I were carpooling with anyone but the marvelous Rachel. We got lost so many times, twisting and turning our way through Kankakee. If that weren't enough, we had to stop constantly to scrape the inside windows of her car. Apparently heat and her windows don't mix, which was fine because I couldn't stop laughing at the situation.

Also, (and I hope Rachel doesn't get mad that I tell you this) but she went over a curb (a very sharp-angle curb), looked at me and said, "Eh, it's not the first time." I love it -- even though I was scared for the car...after all it was our way home.

Story 2:
Skunks. Marta told me the funniest story about skunks. All I'm going to say is a man who shall go unnamed for the purposes of this blog blew a skunk to pieces in front of the home of two men who happen to be gay. They were terrified, and the unnamed man simply said, "Not my problem anymore." And walked away. I've been laughing about this story periodically for the past day and a half it seems. Best story ever.

Story 3:
My car is going nuts. All of the lights came on and the car started beeping incessantly. And every time I turn off the car and lock it, the alarm goes off. Not sure what is happening, but I'm hoping it's not a warning that it's going to blow up.

OKAY. That's all for now. These are quick-ish versions of these stories because I got to go do other stuff. Buhbye!

The first month of 2011

What a whirlwind. The new year hit and almost exactly two weeks in, everything I knew as normal in life changed. I won't go into details, but one thing is for certain: 2011 is going to be like no other year I ever experienced.

I have mixed feelings about that. I am not sure whether I want to laugh or cry. I've done a little of both (actually a lot of both; thank you friends for the laughter).

But I realize had certain events not occurred, my life would not have changed or be changing. I would continue to live at home. I would continue to look on at others and yearn for what they have. I would continue to feel like an outcast, dependent and scared.

I realize how much I needed change, even though it meant letting go (continuing to let go) of the one thing I loved (still love) and cared (still care) the most about in this world. It means going through an excruciating feeling. It means facing that feeling and hoping for the best regardless.

It also means being confident I can make it through the day alone (in a physical human sense). I can make it, because I do not have to be afraid. It is hard to express exactly how I am feeling. But for a long time, I have been dependent almost entirely on others for happiness, which put stress not only on them but for me as well.

I have done and said a lot things I am not proud of all my life. I have acted out in ways I am not proud of, and in the same breath, I realize I have the power (through Christ) to change myself into the woman I am supposed to be.

When specific events occurred earlier this year, it was like a kick in the pants. I was going to have to face life head on and start living, pursuing my dreams instead of only encouraging others to pursue theirs and then watching them actually do it.

I am excited for my friends who are entering brave new chapters of their lives and even more excited to start a new chapter of my own -- however scary that may seem.

Thoughts 1-26-11

Two things that made me laugh today:
- My mom put her salad on her plate instead of the bowl at Monical's.
- My mom dumped her soda into a to-go cup while the straw and its wrapper were still in it. She picks it up with it dripping and says, "She gave me a straw with a wrapper!" I respond, "Why wouldn't they?" She looks at it and then ...says, "I don't know!!" We start laughing.

Random things that happened today:
- My grandpa is going to be on the front cover of the Gazette's entertainment magazine tomorrow, which is featuring train conductors. It was completely random. A neighbor called and said it was on the "preview" section of the N-G, so I looked and sure enough, there he was! :) Soooo...look for him tomorrow! :) He's the man with the charming eyes, waving on the front cover. Thanks to Ben Halpern who took such an amazing picture. Our family didn't know who took the picture, but it's one of our favorites of him.

Getting me through the day:
"I waited, waited for the Lord,
who bent down and heard my cry.
Drew me out of the pit of destruction. Out of the mud of the swamp.
Set my feet upon rock. Steadied my steps. And put a new song in my mouth, a hymn to our God. Many will look on in awe, and they will trust in the Lord." - Psalm 40:1-4

As she gazes at Hogwarts in the distance

Missing Arizona